Just like that…Christmas is upon us once again. It really snuck up on us this year. I’ve been wrestling with two competing desires; I go back and forth between an elaborate first Christmas for Baby Sister and a simple one with minimal gifts and activities. I couldn’t quite decide, putting off family festivities and shopping for as long as I could. Eventually, the desire for tradition and gaiety won, so here we are, two days before Christmas, squeezing in many activities that usually span weeks. After braving the crowds at the mall yesterday, we- at the very least- have presents under our tree.

Christmas shopping was particularly difficult this year. Daniel and I opted out of exchanging presents with each other, but we still wanted to give presents to the kids. At the same time, we are also aspiring to have less at home. In the end, I purchased an outfit and a couple of handmade toys from independent local business for Big Brother and Little Sister. I am happy to welcome these new items into our home, however, I am filled with slight apprehension with the gifts the kids will be receiving from their grandparents and other relatives. Their gifts are generally well-meaning, but do not always fit the ethos of simplicity and quality our family is striving for. So what do you do when you receive gifts of questionable quality in excess quantity? While there aren’t any hard and fast rules, here’s how we try to keep things under control.

Focus on what you can control: your attitude, your actions

It is up to the gift-givers to decide how to spend their money. What you can control is how you view the gift. Instead of seeing the unwanted gifts as a burden, put on a different lens and realize it is an opportunity to pay it forward.

My mom and her sisters are crazy generous, especially when it comes to my kids. Whenever they see something my children might like, they will buy it for them. This presents two problems for me as a parent: an excess of toys, and toys that do not have my stamp of approval. “Mooooommmmmm!” I often complain, “Big Brother does NOT need that.” She always retorts with “I know he doesn’t NEED it but it’s my money and I choose to spoil my grandson with it.” She is right; it’s her prerogative to buy whatever she wants for her grandchildren.

We have absolutely no control over when and what people gift. Ultimately, it is up to the gift-givers to decide how to spend their money. What you can control is how you view the gift. Instead of seeing the unwanted gifts as a burden, put on a different lens and realize it is an opportunity to pay it forward. Big Brother gets to play with his new toys, as reluctant as I may be; they are his gifts after all. But because those toys do not align with our family values and typical quality, Big brother generally grows bored of them quickly and chooses to donate them to kids who need them more. Donate or re-gift to people who would better appreciate the items.

Establish boundaries and expectations when you can

With no power to stop my mom and aunts from buying my family presents, I laid down a set of rules for them to follow. Toys stay at my parents and I get to choose what to bring home. Certain toys, such as guns, are absolutely not allowed. Clothes are to be exchanged or returned if I do not need them. Battery operated toys are acceptable; they know we don’t buy batteries.

Establishing boundaries may sound restricting but is very liberating. Relatives can continue to give freely, when and as they choose. It reduces unnecessary clutter as items can be exchanged for things that are actually used. It develops a spirit of collaboration; my mom and aunts sometimes ask what it is that they can gift my children or whether certain things are okay with me before they make a purchase. Mutual agreement can be reached when boundaries are communicated, and both giver and receiver go home happy.

Provide guidance

Do not demand “no cheap plastic toys, please!” and request those beautiful toys hand carved by wood elves.

For special occasions, such as birthdays and Christmas, it helps to provide suggestions to the gift giver. Every Christmas, I send an email to family with hints as to what to get the kids (for example, Little Sister is outgrowing her clothes or Big Brother has an abundance of trains, could you please avoid buying them this year). There are several ways to approach a wishlist. It can be specific with links to the items or more general in broad categories. It is helpful to provide a list with items in varying prices and from a wide range of stores.

Try to see the act of giving through the eyes of the gift giver. Consider their financial situation and even their interests; your suggestions should not stress them out. Daniel’s wish lists always include tech equipment, but he throws in other things because he knows my mum and I find no joy in perusing through an electronics store. It is not absolutely necessary, of course, but a nice gesture on his part.

It is important to avoid stipulations when asking for gifts; it is not helpful but rather rude and presumptuous to demand “no cheap plastic toys, please!” and request toys hand carved by wood elves. Be helpful and provide guidance, not instruction. Tread delicately and be courteous.

Related: Defence of Christmas Consumerism

Value relationships over things

Earlier this month my mom hinted on buying me purse for Christmas. I quickly and bluntly told her I did not want a purse. “What do you want then?” she asked. “Actually, nothing at the moment”, I said. She then offered cash, which I gladly accepted. Then I asked for an RESP contribution as Little Sister’s present. My mom agreed without hesitation.

Denying a gift or asking for cash may be a violation of etiquette, but because of my close relationship with my mom, I was able to have open conversation. In some relationships, requesting cash gifts or being direct with what it is you want can be considered taboo and tactless. It is important to be sensitive the dynamics of each relationship and determine what may offend or hurt friends or family. Gift giving and receiving should strengthen a relationship not alienate.

The Last Word

Gifts are generally well-meaning, but do not always fit the ethos of your family- like striving to have less at home. When receiving gifts in excess or ones you simply do not want, just be grateful and remember presents are an expression of love.

I, by no means, have mastered the art of gift-receiving. More often than I should, I cringe at well-meaning gifts, thinking “oh, you really shouldn’t have”. While I will inevitably receive a gift I wish I (or the kids) hadn’t, I want to have a heart of thankfulness. After all, to live in intention is to simply have gratitude.

We have one friend who repeatedly brings clothes for my son in three sizes too big, obviously purchased because it was on sale. For the longest time, I almost dreaded annual visits from that friend because I knew it would come with clutter. Then I started to realize that he didn’t have to buy my kid clothes; he was doing it out of love. I do not need to like the item that I receive, but I need to appreciate the gesture and view it as an expression of love. While there are people who gift because it is a societal obligation or courtesy, most do it out of generosity and a loving heart. When you receive that less than desired present, respond with grace and gratitude. Be thankful for the thoughtfulness, even while knowing that the gift will not be a permanent resident in your home.

Dear readers, thank you for spending your time with us here. Enjoy your holidays and your presents, no matter what you receive. I wish you all a beautiful holiday season. Merry Christmas!